Saturday, July 30, 2011

I love being naked.

Naked in the morning
Naked in the evening.
Naked in front of the ac.
Naked while cleaning.
Naked while reading.


Friday, July 29, 2011

Looking Up

It feels so great not caring what other people think. I feel free and relaxed.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Progress, not Perfection

I feel strong today.  I'm getting better at enjoying the present instead of wishing on the past or hoping for the future.  I'm getting better at not looking to him for happiness.  My happiness is going to come from being content with myself.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Giving My Own Life Meaning

I found this today and it really resonated with me.

The world is meaningless, there is no God or gods, there are no morals, the universe is not moving inexorably towards any higher purpose. All meaning is man-made, so make your own, and make it well. Do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die.
Do not try to "find yourself", you must make yourself. Choose what you want to find meaningful and live, create, love, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it. Do not let your life and your values and you actions slip easily into any mold, other that that which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, "This is who I make myself".
Do not give in to hope. Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which imbue it. Whatever you do, do it for its own sake. When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh, and shout back, "Fuck You!". Rembember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.
The world may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank canvas on which to paint meanings of your own. Live deliberately. You are free.


This is the summer of my twenty-second year on this Earth and I'm finally starting to 'get it'.  I've gone through a lot of transformations in the last few months that are very exciting for me.  I've finally been able to breathe and feel comfortable with myself.  I'm done relying on other people for love and support. You have to love and respect yourself and be happy on your own. No knight on a white horse is going to ride in and save you, so save yourself before you become bitter and miserable. Enjoy what you can while you're still here.  There are very few people you can trust and lean on and I cherish the very few in my life that are there for me. The others, I have no problem cutting out. C'est la vie.  

I've always known I was a little bit different from most people. I don't quite fit in socially.  People don't understand my quiet nature or my sense of humor.  I just don't feel the need to interrupt silence and contemplative thought with crap.  Of course I love having conversations and talking at times...I just wish people would learn to feel more comfortable with silence.  It's soothing and calming.  Also, I may be quiet but that doesn't mean my brain isn't working a mile a minute (I hate that cliche-It's so cliche.)

I've also changed my whole outlook on love, relationships, and my ideas on what it means to be happy.  I used to believe that everyone had a soulmate and that you gave yourself to that person and that person only. My parents met when they were fifteen and have been together since...I somehow thought that that was what you were supposed to do...and I've been fighting this feeling of failure for not finding that for a long time now.  That's just unrealistic.  I don't believe there is only one person out there for you.  I believe you are compatible with many people and you are lucky if you find someone you're compatible enough with to spend the rest of your life with.  I believe in love still...I just think it's possible to love and not give yourself fully to that person.  I don't know how I've become so disillusioned.  Perhaps it's the way I've been treated both mentally and physically for the majority of my life by men in my life or maybe this is just growing up----you realize that life is not a fairy tale and that sometimes you hurt, sometimes you laugh, some times you feel nothing and that's okay. It's all part of the experience. You have to hurt in order to be humbled. An unassuming, humbled person is someone who has experienced pain/hardships in their life.  Life is still beautiful.

That being said, I also don't believe in going out and sleeping with any and everyone you can.  I've had a little experience with that and it's very unfulfilling.  It always makes me feel worse or crappy about myself and puts me in this very dark place.  I think Jenny Lewis said it best when she said, "When you're kissing someone who's too much like you
It's like kissing on a mirror .When you're sleeping with someone who doesn't get you.  You're gonna hate yourself in the morning
It's bound to melt your heart"  Some people can do it but I don't think they are being honest with themselves.  One day that pain will catch up to them.  I believe I have the right to sleep with anyone I want to and not be labeled a 'slut' or 'whore' but that doesn't meaning I'm going to.  What I really want is to be in a loving, monogamous relationship with some one who is my equal intellectually, emotionally, and physically.  I don't want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship (like I feel so many people are).  I know there is someone out there for me yet and I'll know it when I see him.  Someone pure of heart. Someone honest. Someone warm. Someone positive. Someone who understands my sense of humor. Someone who wants me the way I am. Not the thinner or plastic version of me.  Someone worthy of my love and respect. Someone who makes me want to be a better person.  I've had glimpses of him but haven't quite found him.

Hmmmm. Well, I feel like I've gotten that off my chest. I've needed to for a very long time.

From now on I love and respect myself.  I bring joy to my own life.  I enjoy the small, simple things I can in life.