Sunday, August 7, 2011

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

ONE: Albert Einstein is THE man.

TWO: I had an awesome night.  It felt good to be around familiar faces, sharing laughs and having insane conversations about the universe, aliens, the Third Reich, time travel...and pizza.  Drove through a thunder storm to make it back to my house but it was totally worth it.   Perfect nights like this are hard to come by...they remind you how amazing it is to even be alive.

It was fun just being with friends and enjoying each others company--not doing anything particular.

I hope more nights/days like this are coming in the near future.

I'd rather be lonely, I'd rather be free

My mama never warned me about my own destructive appetite.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Letting go

This week has been pretty rough on me emotionally.  I had to let go of someone who means a lot to me.  Our 'friendship' just wasn't healthy anymore and it's time to focus on myself, not other people.  I want to get healthy physically and emotionally.   In order to do that, I have to get rid of things that aren't good for me and people who don't have  my best interest at heart.  As much as it sucks, I feel that I did the right thing.  It's hard to see the bright side of things lately but I'm getting there.  I've been more cheerful the last few days.  Things are starting to look up---they always do with time.

I also got rid of my facebook indefinitely.  It creates too much head noise and distraction.  I need to clear my mind and get more in touch with myself again.  I want my time spent to be productive and positive.

I've been reading a lot more which makes me incredibly happy.  I've never had a better friend than a book.

"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us" -Kafka

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

If you lifted my heart to your ear, you'd probably hear the ocean in it.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I love being naked.

Naked in the morning
Naked in the evening.
Naked in front of the ac.
Naked while cleaning.
Naked while reading.


NAKEDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Friday, July 29, 2011

Looking Up

It feels so great not caring what other people think. I feel free and relaxed.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Progress, not Perfection

I feel strong today.  I'm getting better at enjoying the present instead of wishing on the past or hoping for the future.  I'm getting better at not looking to him for happiness.  My happiness is going to come from being content with myself.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Giving My Own Life Meaning

I found this today and it really resonated with me.


The world is meaningless, there is no God or gods, there are no morals, the universe is not moving inexorably towards any higher purpose. All meaning is man-made, so make your own, and make it well. Do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die.
Do not try to "find yourself", you must make yourself. Choose what you want to find meaningful and live, create, love, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it. Do not let your life and your values and you actions slip easily into any mold, other that that which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, "This is who I make myself".
Do not give in to hope. Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which imbue it. Whatever you do, do it for its own sake. When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh, and shout back, "Fuck You!". Rembember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.
The world may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank canvas on which to paint meanings of your own. Live deliberately. You are free.


CUE IN STEVIE NICK'S "Stand Back"

This is the summer of my twenty-second year on this Earth and I'm finally starting to 'get it'.  I've gone through a lot of transformations in the last few months that are very exciting for me.  I've finally been able to breathe and feel comfortable with myself.  I'm done relying on other people for love and support. You have to love and respect yourself and be happy on your own. No knight on a white horse is going to ride in and save you, so save yourself before you become bitter and miserable. Enjoy what you can while you're still here.  There are very few people you can trust and lean on and I cherish the very few in my life that are there for me. The others, I have no problem cutting out. C'est la vie.  

I've always known I was a little bit different from most people. I don't quite fit in socially.  People don't understand my quiet nature or my sense of humor.  I just don't feel the need to interrupt silence and contemplative thought with crap.  Of course I love having conversations and talking at times...I just wish people would learn to feel more comfortable with silence.  It's soothing and calming.  Also, I may be quiet but that doesn't mean my brain isn't working a mile a minute (I hate that cliche-It's so cliche.)

I've also changed my whole outlook on love, relationships, and my ideas on what it means to be happy.  I used to believe that everyone had a soulmate and that you gave yourself to that person and that person only. My parents met when they were fifteen and have been together since...I somehow thought that that was what you were supposed to do...and I've been fighting this feeling of failure for not finding that for a long time now.  That's just unrealistic.  I don't believe there is only one person out there for you.  I believe you are compatible with many people and you are lucky if you find someone you're compatible enough with to spend the rest of your life with.  I believe in love still...I just think it's possible to love and not give yourself fully to that person.  I don't know how I've become so disillusioned.  Perhaps it's the way I've been treated both mentally and physically for the majority of my life by men in my life or maybe this is just growing up----you realize that life is not a fairy tale and that sometimes you hurt, sometimes you laugh, some times you feel nothing and that's okay. It's all part of the experience. You have to hurt in order to be humbled. An unassuming, humbled person is someone who has experienced pain/hardships in their life.  Life is still beautiful.

That being said, I also don't believe in going out and sleeping with any and everyone you can.  I've had a little experience with that and it's very unfulfilling.  It always makes me feel worse or crappy about myself and puts me in this very dark place.  I think Jenny Lewis said it best when she said, "When you're kissing someone who's too much like you
It's like kissing on a mirror .When you're sleeping with someone who doesn't get you.  You're gonna hate yourself in the morning
It's bound to melt your heart"  Some people can do it but I don't think they are being honest with themselves.  One day that pain will catch up to them.  I believe I have the right to sleep with anyone I want to and not be labeled a 'slut' or 'whore' but that doesn't meaning I'm going to.  What I really want is to be in a loving, monogamous relationship with some one who is my equal intellectually, emotionally, and physically.  I don't want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship (like I feel so many people are).  I know there is someone out there for me yet and I'll know it when I see him.  Someone pure of heart. Someone honest. Someone warm. Someone positive. Someone who understands my sense of humor. Someone who wants me the way I am. Not the thinner or plastic version of me.  Someone worthy of my love and respect. Someone who makes me want to be a better person.  I've had glimpses of him but haven't quite found him.



Hmmmm. Well, I feel like I've gotten that off my chest. I've needed to for a very long time.


From now on I love and respect myself.  I bring joy to my own life.  I enjoy the small, simple things I can in life. 



Friday, January 7, 2011

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I can

honestly say that in this moment I feel genuninely. honestly. purely. gloriously. orgasmically. cosmically HAPPY.

It's a feeling that I rarely feel. I love these moments of welcomed clarity. If only I could feel this much bliss all of the time.

I want to sing and dance and do all of that other cliche shit people do when they are happy. You happy. happy people, you.

Suburbia

is starting to suffocate me. I'm scratching my brains out. Seriously. No Brains.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I



 will not smoke cigarettes. I will not smoke cigarettes. I will not smoke cigarettes. I will not smoke cigarettes. I will not smoke cigarettes. I will not smoke cigarettes. I will not smoke cigarettes. I will not smoke cigarettes. I will not smoke cigarettes. 


Goddamn I've got to quit smoking. I went on a run a few moments ago that just about killed me.   I wish I had never even dragged my first cigarette.  EW. WHYYYYY?!?!!? Dumbest decision of my life. If I could go back eight years and say NOOOO to drugs(cigarettes) I would!

In other news...I had a great day.  I slept in until noon. I know, shame on me....  I then met my love Meredith at Barnes and Noble and met Barnaby William Shedor for the first time.  He was born about four weeks ago and it was amazing spending time with this little guy.  There is something so inspiring about new life. Innocence. Happiness. Contentment. Any discomfort is easily consoled. I love babies! I recently spent time with my six month old cousin and that was just as great of an experience.  I don't want one of my own any time soon...but just holding these babies made me realize that I want one of my own one day.

I sat in the Barnes & Noble for about an hour after that just relaxing and reading The Stranger.  Shortly into my relaxation I spotted my friend Luke whom I met in our book club Bookworms of VCU and we ended up having some really great conversation.  I love when you can talk to some one openly and have a conversation worth something.  I'm so tired of talking about nothing.  Doesn't anyone care about anything other than who they are going to fuck that night or what they are going to have for dinner? Boring.  I wish there were more people I could relate to and that I weren't so introverted.  I don't think my friends understand me some times.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Coffee
Good Conversation
Strange Movies
Creating. A lot of Creating
Pushing Negative Self Talk Away
Tight Jeans. Bad Ass Boots.
Mental Preparation.
Flirty Text Messages. (This one is silly)
Talking About The Future.
Talking about the END.
Conspiracy Theories.
Laughter at Conspiracy Theories.
Lot's of Worrying. (working on this one)
Hangin' with Leet Jesus.
Buying Socks.
Not Smoking One Cigarette.
Laughing A lot with Old Friends.
The Comfort of Old Friends.
The Anxiety of being away from my normal Routines.
Vulnerability.
Pressure.
Mandarin Oranges.
'Slam-Pieces'

Monday, January 3, 2011

Day One

of trying to find happiness within myself is going pretty well.  I've done a lot of reflecting and a lot of laughing.  I want to laugh all the time. I wish it could be so.  This morning I got really angry though and yelled at my friend Drew.  I was angry that he blew me off yesterday(not just that....but I think I wanted a reason to get mad so I could unleash my feelings).  He says he never got any of my messages and maybe not but I was still livid. I think it was a build up of everything lately and I didn't want to feel let down by another person that I trust.  That is sort of my cycle....I will be happy for a short period, fall into a long period of depression and then I'll get really pissed off(mostly for being sad).  Most people don't like to be angry...but this is my fuel.  My anger kicks my ass into changing things and actually feeling happy again.  "Goddamnit....I want to be happy and that's exactly what I'm going to do." Some times anger is healthy I think because it helps you remember you are alive and that you want to feel things.

I think today one of my goals is to start listening to happier music.  It seems like I listen to sad music exclusively.  Donsies with that.  I may be able to relate to it but it just gives me an excuse to be sad.  Maybe if I listen to happy music I will have an excuse to be happy and in time will be able to relate to it.

Backward Baptismal

And in some sort of sick, backward baptism I am cleansed. The smell of smoke in your hair and the feel of your hot breath on my skin. The unclean things that only I can feel. God has found me in these secret times. He grinds in and out and through my mind. He's got no time for kind words, he's just dropping in for an indefinite amount of time. I was his queen today and for thirty minutes in the quiet times last night. God shine your grace on me, stay awhile won't you please? Spread your love and plant the good seed in me. Tell me, how long will it be before you kiss my whispering eye and hand me her rosary? And, people are always telling me that I believe in a myth. The say you can't rely on words, so I just sit there cryin' on the bathroom tile, hoping for some strength. I pray that one day you will give me reason to have faith. And for seven years I have done this, and you tell me to be patient and trust and to never let myself rust.

So tonight I stand and wave goodbye. To you and to your trinity.

-M. Anderson (Written some time in spring 2009)

Gin and Tonic Lullaby

It washed over me, the sweet scent of the breeze
as it spoke of strange times, and drew my mind into a slow ease
The transitory winds sang a sad song...
They hummed and they hummed of all your life's wrongs.
The tracks you walked when you were still young,
They cried, and they cried, but you were long gone.

Crying, “Yes, you’ve been lied to. Yes, you’ve been fucked. But come back to me,you can still be loved!”

You walked and you ran. You escaped to your drink.
You didn’t care what onlookers would think.
A mountain girl found you in your crazed state.
She agreed to love you and then you set the date.

Three children were born of this affair.
Too bad you never loved them.
All you ever gave them were broken hearts, arms
and sometimes a loud swear.

What kind of hell was this?

The kind of misery that is passed on?

You couldn’t carry your heavy heart so now it belongs to your children, and their children, and someday it will be their children’s broken heart.






-M. Anderson (Written for my grandfather)

Love Like a Train

The trains rollin' through the citylike you're rollin' through my mind.
It's travelin' fast, and lone.
makin' you feel it in your bones.

You're darting past me,
the winds playing on my sleeve.
But I can't touch you,
Gone on the 3:10.

The tracks remain, but you have left.
Your love's comin' down on me
down on me.
like the trains comin' down on the track.

My heart is so heavy I carry it on my back.
You stand there lookin' helpless
While you begin to lose your tact.
Why can't you just be honest?

Admit that your love is like a train.

You love me when you're rollin' through.
and your loves comin' down on me hard.
You can't stand the thought of staying though, 
so you hang around until you are summoned by Rousseau.

Your love is like a train, it's comin' down on me hard.
 
-M. Anderson (written circa 2009)

Walk

Walk in my shoes.
Feel my heart.
Feel the way it raps against its cage.
I am its keeper.
You are its fuel.
 
-M. Anderson (some thing silly I wrote)
I hear your voice riding on the backs of butterflies,
It’s fluttering around my organs clockwise.
This utter desire is taking its toll.
You fire up my insides.

Your fingertips are making patterns on my skin.
How long has it been?
Since you last traced your mouth along my neck?
Five weeks and I’m such a wreck.

Is your mind at ease through the quiet times?
Because in mine, our love story is on a loop.
Your face comes closer to my own and then swoops,
Down to the bottom of all of our feel good times.

How could something so beautiful be created to destroy?

I’m impressed by your resilience.
You were always so good at bending.
Well, I’m breaking and braving this.
And your hand is not there for lending.

So please don’t ever call my name,
Unless you are willing to shoulder some of this blame.
Get out of my way with your breakin’ heart ways.
I  can think of better things to do for the rest of my days.

Get out of my way with your breakin’ heart ways.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.

-M. Anderson (Written about a year ago)

I'll Follow My Soul Into Nothingness

I think I'll drive straight through this light
and into that ditch.
What's the point of being polite?
I can already smell your bullshit.
I'm  here waiting for the day,
when you finally understand.
I see you pause for a moment in a daze
laying there like a paralyzed jazz band.
You realize I wasn't a dream.
and you scream and scream and scream.
You start to think about old sayings
and realize they can't help you now.
What good are words spoken in the dark?
A word is a word is a word.
Its spoken and then forgotten.
Spiritual communion is lost.
You like to think you are pretty smart.
Hiding my rolling eyes has become a practiced art.
But tell me how you are any better than me.
You lie to yourself everyday in your self righteous rants.
you continue to brag, while you pull down your pants.
I fool you into thinking I enjoy myself,
I melt further into the darkness and pretend that you love me.
How sad, I think into the deafening silence.
You lay there next to me.
I lie there next to myself.
There's no one beside me as I reach out.
I follow my soul into the nothingness.
 
-M. Anderson (written some time about a year ago?)

Mystery Man

Mystery Man, Mystery Man
Walk on by, pay me no heed.
Look into my eyes and through
gut me with your pretensions.

Mystery Man refuse me.
Mystery Man abuse me.

Deny me Mystery man,
before your carbon copies.
Use your fancy words.
Dance your intellectual loops.

Drop your acid.

Down your booze.

Fuck your skin cancer whores

Read Kafka and Palahniuk,
feeling troubled in your room.
Kill yourself a little more,
drag that Marlboro red.

Describe your life in metaphors.
Tread carefully around clich├ęs.
Don't let your clones know,
you are just as human as they.

Worship Dylan and live by E.Smith.
Pick up that guitar. Strum. Strum. Strum.
Quick, spill your pain to the weak, Mystery Man.


-M. Anderson (written some time when I was in the 9th grade)

Sloshed

The fishermen had lost their minds. Laying out no trawl.
Water sloshed in and out, up and over the boat, washing me overboard.
I screamed but my echoing words were not sought.
Swirling ever deeper a strange calm came about.

They grew distant, those cutting shadows on the water.
They dissolved into the air and the sailors breathed in their incandescent fumes.
Incoherent syllables fell out between drinks and casting reels.
Syllables bouncing, tumbling aimlessly to the ocean deep.

-M. Anderson circa 2008

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Take My Hand Darlin'

When your heart is heavy and your soul worn down,
Take my hand darlin', we'll walk out of this town.
This road stretches forever and I've got all day.
Don't cry darlin', let's just keep that cold world at bay.

Follow me love, into the sun.

You'll smile that familiar grin.
And I'll feel safe just knowin' we're friends.
You'll draw my face closer to your own, but only tease.
Make me smile darlin', won't you please?

Won't you stay here with me in this dream?
Cause' its so hard when nothing's what it seems.
Hold me here forever darlin', never drop my hand.
I don't think my heart would withstand.

Follow me love, into that sun.

The Subtle Difference

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

  I first read this poem when I was fifteen and it helped me to get through my first real heartbreak.  Every now and again I need to be reminded to search within myself for happiness instead of depending on other people.  That's not to say that having people in your life to lean on isn't important...but life's not a fairytale and you can't invest every thing you have in others.  At some point you have to have to depend on yourself.  You have to really look at yourself and say ,"Hey. You are a strong person and you are worth something."  You have to stop beating yourself up and go out there and have the balls to love yourself.

'Head Noise', as I like to call it stands between me and my happiness quite often.  I've learned that no one can make you feel bad about yourself except for you. Yes, there are shitty people out there and there will be those in life who try to make you feel small....but you can chose how to react to it. That, to me, is the most powerful thing.  You can be in control of you life and happiness at all times if you chose to be.

It's a new year, so I thought it would be appropriate to start over on myself. From Scratch.  I want to start doing that by documenting my troubles. pains. sadness. happiness.  I want to be raw and honest with myself in the hopes that this will somehow awaken something inside me.  Yes, I'm alive...but I haven't REALLY been alive for quite some time now.  I cannot remember the last time I was genuinely happy.   That changes today....I'm tired of feeling nothing...and if I do feel anything it's misery. Some times I think I romanticize my own sadness because it's all I've known for so long and I'm afraid to be anything else (although happiness is all I ever long for.)


I'm going to start by posting some of my writing/poetry/what have you from old journals etc. etc.

Here's to happiness in 2011.