Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Subtle Difference

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

  I first read this poem when I was fifteen and it helped me to get through my first real heartbreak.  Every now and again I need to be reminded to search within myself for happiness instead of depending on other people.  That's not to say that having people in your life to lean on isn't important...but life's not a fairytale and you can't invest every thing you have in others.  At some point you have to have to depend on yourself.  You have to really look at yourself and say ,"Hey. You are a strong person and you are worth something."  You have to stop beating yourself up and go out there and have the balls to love yourself.

'Head Noise', as I like to call it stands between me and my happiness quite often.  I've learned that no one can make you feel bad about yourself except for you. Yes, there are shitty people out there and there will be those in life who try to make you feel small....but you can chose how to react to it. That, to me, is the most powerful thing.  You can be in control of you life and happiness at all times if you chose to be.

It's a new year, so I thought it would be appropriate to start over on myself. From Scratch.  I want to start doing that by documenting my troubles. pains. sadness. happiness.  I want to be raw and honest with myself in the hopes that this will somehow awaken something inside me.  Yes, I'm alive...but I haven't REALLY been alive for quite some time now.  I cannot remember the last time I was genuinely happy.   That changes today....I'm tired of feeling nothing...and if I do feel anything it's misery. Some times I think I romanticize my own sadness because it's all I've known for so long and I'm afraid to be anything else (although happiness is all I ever long for.)

I'm going to start by posting some of my writing/poetry/what have you from old journals etc. etc.

Here's to happiness in 2011.

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