Monday, January 3, 2011

Day One

of trying to find happiness within myself is going pretty well.  I've done a lot of reflecting and a lot of laughing.  I want to laugh all the time. I wish it could be so.  This morning I got really angry though and yelled at my friend Drew.  I was angry that he blew me off yesterday(not just that....but I think I wanted a reason to get mad so I could unleash my feelings).  He says he never got any of my messages and maybe not but I was still livid. I think it was a build up of everything lately and I didn't want to feel let down by another person that I trust.  That is sort of my cycle....I will be happy for a short period, fall into a long period of depression and then I'll get really pissed off(mostly for being sad).  Most people don't like to be angry...but this is my fuel.  My anger kicks my ass into changing things and actually feeling happy again.  "Goddamnit....I want to be happy and that's exactly what I'm going to do." Some times anger is healthy I think because it helps you remember you are alive and that you want to feel things.

I think today one of my goals is to start listening to happier music.  It seems like I listen to sad music exclusively.  Donsies with that.  I may be able to relate to it but it just gives me an excuse to be sad.  Maybe if I listen to happy music I will have an excuse to be happy and in time will be able to relate to it.

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